To Know someone, with a capital "K" is something that man has pondered throughout the ages. The greatest minds to ever grace this planet posited many a theory about what it is "to be" without ever coming to a consensus. So how can I tell you "About" myself, if nobody knows exactly what it is to "to be" in the first place? A charming fellow who was once young but has now since been dead for a very long time offered this: I think. Therefore I am. Since I'm not human, this doesn't really apply to me. But I can tell you this. I am an amorphous intergalactic space traveler who makes mostly thumping, dance-tastic, driving, emotional, heartfelt, tender, charming, infectious, mischievous and sometimes gaseous electro music. I do it because it makes my non-human essence feel good. Kind of like squeezing Gak between your toes. Other than that, I like strengthening my quads, I've found them to be the most important muscle group in the human form.

O. You wanted some background info. Here.

Once upon a time our universe was inhabited by a certain yellow light. So splendidly powerful was this light that stars across the universe cowered behind black-holes. Rumors of this alien swarm of light had been circling galaxies for a few millenia, alleging that the light consumed all others in its path and no protective measures could thwart it. The rumors weren’t dispelled until a long while later when, through a freakish series of energetic pulses, the yellow light spoke: “Wuuuurrrrd.”

During this first aural intercourse, the light had positioned itself in the exact center of our present universe. Though not all could see the vibrational color frequency of the light, its voice boomed billions of light years in every direction so that every living and "non-living thing" (rocks are alive, BTW) could hear its salutation.

The light introduced itself. Translated loosely to Human English, he said:

Salutations, organic and inorganic matter. I am Spleekor. Ya'll got some snacks?”

With the aid of a powerpoint presentation, Spleekor went on to explain that he had been on an epic journey in search of the most scrumptious snacks the universe could offer. Though he didn’t know it, Spleekor’s purpose was simple—He was to consume. Spleekor was also unaware that in his devouring wake, he gave birth to life. While you and I excrete extinct matter, Spleekor discharges matter teeming with life: Planets, sounds, light, coral, habit-forming liquids, innocuous pathogens, snakes, plasmatic goo, candida albicans. Yes, Spleekor poops life. And not just any life; it’s like making a crab infested sand castle out of dead skin cells. His shit is fantastic.

So is the Polish Ambassador Spleekor? Psha. Hardly.

In his near infinite wisdom, Spleekor understood that the girth of his own self would never eclipse that of the universe; that as this swarm of light, he would always be limited in his search for the most delicious snacks. How could he savor every snack within the universe and poop it out accordingly? That’s when Spleekor shattered himself into billions of pieces, each to occupy a living, grazing host. It was through this precise science that Spleekor could consume (and create) at an unprecedented rate.

The Polish Ambassador is simply one of those billions of Spleekor particles splashing about the universe. Hence, he’s really just some dude who enjoys snacks like almonds, gluten-free gingersnacks, and organic, juiced beets. And he defecates life in the form of ill beats. Exquisite.

If you have any snack recommendations, please contact Mr. The Polish Ambassador, immediately. Thanks!